Why forgiveness is essential for long term happiness

In the collection of his sermons ‘A Gift of Love’, Martin Luther King Jr is quoted as saying ‘We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love’.

When we have been wronged or hurt or betrayed, we are often left being haunted by the past. The pain of the betrayal lingers for a long time afterwards and keeps us trapped in a state of having to relive the event over and over again which perpetuates a depressive state. On the other hand, we also become anxious about the future as our preconceived notions prior to the betrayal are dashed and we are left in a state of uncertainty. Our foresight dissipates and we are left questioning where we go from here which induces a state of anxiety.

When we also consider the magnitude of the betrayal, the idea of forgiveness can seem an impossible task. We begin to feel that the need to forgive weighs on us like a burden, compounded by others expecting us to forgive and forget.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about acceptance. By accepting the past and moving on from it with the understanding that nothing about it can be changed, we can seek to heal from the injustice we have suffered. We can also find peace in the knowledge that the future is unknown and through forgiveness, we resign ourselves to the acceptance that nothing can be promised to us, hence we open ourselves up to possibilities. It is also important to understand that forgiveness is not for the other person. The idea that forgiveness absolves the other person of their sins is very wrong. Forgiveness is for ourselves, so that we may move on from the past and embrace the future. Forgiveness is the remedy for past trauma and is the first step towards post traumatic growth.

It is not up to us to even let the person who wronged us know that they are forgiven, after all in many cases those who wronged us do not feel that they have done so. How they feel about what has happened is their business. As hard as it can be to accept, part of forgiveness means absolving the other person in your mind of the need for justice to be served. Again, this does not need to be known to them. The point is that if you are stewing over the injustice done to you, you are essentially holding on to your hatred in the hopes that one day, this person will get what is coming to them. What if that never happens? What if this person doesn’t even feel guilty about what they did? You are left holding on to these ugly feelings of bitterness and resentment which only serves to hurt you while the other person goes about their life regardless of your feelings towards them.

It is also important to remember to forgive yourself at these times. You may not have deserved what happened to you, but it is common to feel somewhat responsible for why it happened or even how you handled the situation at the time. In cases of infidelity, it can be common to look exhaustively at why this occurred in the first place. Where there signs you just didn’t see? What did you do or didn’t do that led to the betrayal? What did you do directly after discovering this? We all have a hand in how things turn out whether we deserve it or not; whether that be not paying attention to signs, being a driving force behind it or even going against our better judgement and allowing it to happen, sometimes repeatedly.

The first step towards forgiveness is to separate the person from the action. Sometimes we can forgive by accepting the person and distancing them from the action. People make mistakes and if we can separate the person from the action, that can dictate the role the person will play in our lives moving forward. People who have been hurt or are on their own journey out of despair can often make mistakes and hurt us. It is up to us to discern whether the mistake was made as a genuine mistake or if it was part of a pattern of behavior. In this instance, it can be relatively easy to forgive and move on with a renewed sense of awareness. If this is part of a pattern of behavior, it is important that your forgiveness here is not for them but for yourself. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life. All it means is that you are choosing not to engage your thoughts with them anymore. You are choosing not to weigh yourself down with the memory of the hurt that they inflicted upon you and the best part is, they don’t have to know about it. As I said, how they feel about what has happened is their business. Allow them to go about their life how they choose to so that you may be free to go about yours.

In life, there are many connections made and broken. Some people come in and out of our lives, others stay for a period of time and others remain for life. Holding on to the past and especially the negatives of the past keep us locked in a state of dissatisfaction and anxiety which takes us away from nurturing the connections we currently have. Once you have decided to forgive someone, let that be it. The past may come back to hurt you from time to time but as long as you stick to that commitment you made to forgive, it will pass and allow you to be free to fully experience the joy of being present with yourself and those you choose to keep around you.