Why forgiveness is essential for long term happiness

In the collection of his sermons ‘A Gift of Love’, Martin Luther King Jr is quoted as saying ‘We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love’.

When we have been wronged or hurt or betrayed, we are often left being haunted by the past. The pain of the betrayal lingers for a long time afterwards and keeps us trapped in a state of having to relive the event over and over again which perpetuates a depressive state. On the other hand, we also become anxious about the future as our preconceived notions prior to the betrayal are dashed and we are left in a state of uncertainty. Our foresight dissipates and we are left questioning where we go from here which induces a state of anxiety.

When we also consider the magnitude of the betrayal, the idea of forgiveness can seem an impossible task. We begin to feel that the need to forgive weighs on us like a burden, compounded by others expecting us to forgive and forget.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about acceptance. By accepting the past and moving on from it with the understanding that nothing about it can be changed, we can seek to heal from the injustice we have suffered. We can also find peace in the knowledge that the future is unknown and through forgiveness, we resign ourselves to the acceptance that nothing can be promised to us, hence we open ourselves up to possibilities. It is also important to understand that forgiveness is not for the other person. The idea that forgiveness absolves the other person of their sins is very wrong. Forgiveness is for ourselves, so that we may move on from the past and embrace the future. Forgiveness is the remedy for past trauma and is the first step towards post traumatic growth.

It is not up to us to even let the person who wronged us know that they are forgiven, after all in many cases those who wronged us do not feel that they have done so. How they feel about what has happened is their business. As hard as it can be to accept, part of forgiveness means absolving the other person in your mind of the need for justice to be served. Again, this does not need to be known to them. The point is that if you are stewing over the injustice done to you, you are essentially holding on to your hatred in the hopes that one day, this person will get what is coming to them. What if that never happens? What if this person doesn’t even feel guilty about what they did? You are left holding on to these ugly feelings of bitterness and resentment which only serves to hurt you while the other person goes about their life regardless of your feelings towards them.

It is also important to remember to forgive yourself at these times. You may not have deserved what happened to you, but it is common to feel somewhat responsible for why it happened or even how you handled the situation at the time. In cases of infidelity, it can be common to look exhaustively at why this occurred in the first place. Where there signs you just didn’t see? What did you do or didn’t do that led to the betrayal? What did you do directly after discovering this? We all have a hand in how things turn out whether we deserve it or not; whether that be not paying attention to signs, being a driving force behind it or even going against our better judgement and allowing it to happen, sometimes repeatedly.

The first step towards forgiveness is to separate the person from the action. Sometimes we can forgive by accepting the person and distancing them from the action. People make mistakes and if we can separate the person from the action, that can dictate the role the person will play in our lives moving forward. People who have been hurt or are on their own journey out of despair can often make mistakes and hurt us. It is up to us to discern whether the mistake was made as a genuine mistake or if it was part of a pattern of behavior. In this instance, it can be relatively easy to forgive and move on with a renewed sense of awareness. If this is part of a pattern of behavior, it is important that your forgiveness here is not for them but for yourself. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life. All it means is that you are choosing not to engage your thoughts with them anymore. You are choosing not to weigh yourself down with the memory of the hurt that they inflicted upon you and the best part is, they don’t have to know about it. As I said, how they feel about what has happened is their business. Allow them to go about their life how they choose to so that you may be free to go about yours.

In life, there are many connections made and broken. Some people come in and out of our lives, others stay for a period of time and others remain for life. Holding on to the past and especially the negatives of the past keep us locked in a state of dissatisfaction and anxiety which takes us away from nurturing the connections we currently have. Once you have decided to forgive someone, let that be it. The past may come back to hurt you from time to time but as long as you stick to that commitment you made to forgive, it will pass and allow you to be free to fully experience the joy of being present with yourself and those you choose to keep around you.

How to change the world: it starts with you

I firmly believe that achieving ‘oneness’ with our mind, body and spirit is essential to freedom, happiness and wellbeing. That is to say that removing distractions from our lives and having the self-awareness to see when we are allowing ourselves to be distracted, is key to remaining in control of ourselves. Our environment is geared towards keeping us distracted and unfocused. Fast food, TV, social media, alcohol, gambling…things that give us that little hit of dopamine that keep us coming back for more. Companies are aware of this, and they rely on keeping the population in a state of semi-conscious consumerism by distracting us with the things that keep us interested, that give us that rush…that feed our addictions. There is one scary universal truth that corporate companies use to their advantage:

Keeping people distracted is profitable because people who are distracted are easy to manipulate.

Society makes us think that there is something wrong with us and that we need to look externally for the solution. You have bad skin? Buy this acne cream. You’re overweight? Buy this diet pill. You’re getting wrinkles? Buy Botox. You’re hungry? Buy fast food. You’re bored? Buy a pint. It’s a never-ending cycle of insecurity and fast solutions that are actually creating the problems we are trying to fix. It wouldn’t be so bad if the solutions were trying to help people, but the sad truth is that companies don’t care about you or your wellbeing. All they care about is your money and they will encourage you to do the very things that make you unhappy and unwell to get it.

The only solution is to look inside.

You already have all the skills and tools you need to be successful.

The problem is not you…it’s the distractions leading you deeper and deeper into the trap of endless need and consumerism.

Now I'm not suggesting that you become a monk or a nun and commit yourself to a life of self-denial. Hell, I still love getting a takeaway and lounging around watching trash TV now and then. It's not about denial. It's about awareness. Recognizing that when you are not in a good way, that's the time to look within, work harder on yourself and not turn to a quick fix.

If you can develop your awareness to the point that distractions have no effect on you, nothing can hold you back from achieving anything you want.

Fortunately, there are legitimate businesses that provide services and utilize skills rooted in ancient practice, which focus on connecting you with yourself and nurturing your wellbeing because they value having a happy and healthy client base. These businesses were often founded by people who believed in creating something that would really help people. Something that would change the status quo. Believing with unshakable conviction that they can use their passion to help people as well as be successful. That’s something that everyone should believe in.

I created The Solution because I had been stuck in that trap of need and consumerism and it was making me desperately unhappy. I found my way out and it was hard because for a long time, I had no one to guide me. I wanted to use my skills and my passion to really help people, to stop people from sleep walking through life, doing the same thing day after day and wondering why they were so unhappy.

I truly believe in what I do, and I want to share that with people who want to find what they believe in too. I want to inspire someone to be the best that they can be. I want to give someone the confidence to try something they’ve always wanted to do. I’ve always wanted to make a difference not only in my life, but in others too. Because by supporting other people to make positive change, you can collectively change the world.

When it feels like your life has run its course

Disconnection, dissatisfaction, a lack of foresight…these are all symptomatic of a sense that our lives have reached a point of stagnation. This feeling can be extremely uncomfortable and can lead to a complete shift in perspective – that to a sense that our life has run its course. That all of our achievements brought us to this point but that we can proceed no further. Obstacles, daily struggles, a lack of motivation, disappointments and few opportunities can build up till we can see no further than our current circumstances.

Society tells us that in order to be considered successful, you need to reach the right goals at the right time in your life. That there is no room for stagnation and constant recognizable progression is the only way to measure your success in life. Staying in education, getting married, having kids, buying a house, having savings, having a career…and having all of this before you are 40; this is what society deems is the mark of a successful person and not having this denotes you as lacking in some way. Instagram, TikTok and YouTube host influencers that perpetuate this lie that it’s so easy to be successful and have everything all figured out, sometimes even before you are in your 30’s. This is a very toxic ideology. True, there are many people who have become very successful at a very young age but there is a factor that need to be considered here. These people probably came from wealthy families; meaning they most likely lived in a high socio-economic area, had access to the best education and were nurtured for success.

A good start in life is no guarantee of future success but when we look at data collated by the OECD in their 2018 PISA report, it found that socio-economically advantaged students performed better in PISA than disadvantaged students. They stated that inequality and low social mobility threatens long-term growth [Cingano, 2014]. This was measured across 23 countries and found that students from a socio-economically advantaged background outperformed students from disadvantaged backgrounds. When we consider this on a micro level within one country, it’s not a stretch to see that people who begin life with access to the best level of education and enrichment outperform those who don’t, and this can affect their prospects in life.

Beyond academia, we are faced with everything that basic education does not prepare you for: bills, credit, self-parenting…what people call ‘adulting’. So when you are faced with the obstacles and stumbling blocks that life throws at you, it’s easy to feel that life has nothing to offer you beyond the cards you have been dealt. This is where many people reach the point where they conclude that their life has stagnated and ultimately run its course. They feel that they have hit their ceiling and there is nothing they can do to break through.

I have been here many times before. Having had kids young before I had started my career and everything that came before this, I felt that I had a limit to my success. I had this internalized frustration that many people feel when they believe they have no direction and there are obstacles that prevent them from throwing all their effort into what they want to do or try something new. The idea that I needed to have achieved this goal by this point perpetuated this fear I had that I wasn’t good enough and would never be more than I was.

However, since I had been here many times before, I knew that this was only temporary. Despite being uncomfortable with the current circumstances I was in at one point or another, one thing that was certain was that things would ultimately change. And they did.

Periods of stagnation are not only common but are actually vital to our progression.

Progress is not linear, nor is it consistent in rate of growth as much as we may want it to be. Sometimes we are held back from pursuing certain goals until the time is right because our focus needs to be directed to something more present. This may leave us with time that we want to put towards something out of our reach, focusing on what is in our immediate control, we can cultivate tools and healthy habits to form a stable foundation to build on.

If our basic requirements and needs are not being met then we can’t seek to pursue anything beyond that, as we will not be prepared to handle the added pressure.

Let’s say you go for an interview but you don’t get the job. You go home and your place is a mess and rather than clean up, you allow yourself to become depressed and drink alone feeling sorry for yourself. Cleaning up and looking after yourself may seem like a pointless endeavor when faced with rejection but it is important in the grand scheme of things. Putting in effort and controlling what you can in the face of disappointment builds resilience. You could see this situation as a test, a test of your fortitude and resiliency so that the next time you are faced with an opportunity you are better equipped to deal with the possibility of rejection which will most likely help you to come across as more confident in interview.

This is very much a solitary journey. When you are in a relationship or have children, it can be hard to take time to work on yourself. However, just like building skills to be open and ready for new opportunities, you need to find time to work on yourself when you can so you can be good for others. It can be lonely and sometimes difficult decisions need to be made, but the better you are for yourself, the better are for other people.

Taking time to cultivate our skills when we feel that our lives have run their course prepares us for more opportunities. Without doing this, we become resistant to change and blind to possibilities. There are many things you can do that can aid your growth when you are faced with the prospect of waiting for something to happen:

1. Reading

As opposed to mindlessly consuming content, reading engages your brain to retain more information. Reading decreases stress and improves memory and concentration. It fills your time with productivity rather than consumption which in turn gives you a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

2. Networking

Other people influence our outlook and gaining new connections opens us up to new perspectives and potentially new opportunities. There are so many opportunities available for networking, I personally find that Meetup is a good place to find like minded groups of people involved in anything from fellow foodies to free meditation groups. You can download the Meetup app free on Apple and Google Play.

3. Volunteering

If you are fortunate enough to have a little time during the week to spend time helping other people in the community, this can be extremely enriching and rewarding. Helping others is a good way of finding purpose and gaining perspective on ourselves and our own issues.

4. Being present

It can be very tempting to want to find some form of escapism when we are feeling like we can’t deal with the present. When we feel like our lives are on the wrong trajectory, being in the present and seeing what we can do now to make our current situation better is imperative to gaining perspective and taking control of our immediate environment.

5. Working on your mental health

Feeling as though your life is at a stand still can be a symptom of depression. Having this perspective can be a sign that you need to work through some mental challenges and taking time to re-evaluate your situation and be at peace with how things are can ease your anxiety about the future and negate feelings of depression about the present and what has come before.

6. Getting physical

Taking up fitness or a sport works wonders for your mental health and getting involved in a group sport can help you to build connections with others. Before I began running, I was very overweight and could not envision myself being in any better position than my current circumstances. 10 months later, I had lost 45lbs and was in the best shape of my life. I can now wear clothes with a confidence I had never had before, and I have so much energy throughout the day.

7. Taking a course

Plenty of online learning platforms and local adult education centers offer free or cheap short courses which you can study in your own time. Taking a course can give you knowledge and confidence in an area you were perhaps struggling in which can lead you to pursue other opportunities.

It’s very normal to feel that your life has run its course but when we feel this way, we must reflect logically and see it for what it really is – a period of stagnation. By seeking to control what we can in our immediate environment and turning our attention to the present rather than being overly concerned with the future and what we haven’t achieved yet, we open ourselves up to new opportunities by ensuring we are ready for them when they arrive. Often this can mean letting go or diverting from a path we have set ourselves upon which can be uncomfortable and unnerving. There is no telling what will happen in the future. Sometimes plans fall apart. Sometimes opportunities arise in the most unexpected places. Sometimes our previous decisions turn out to be the wrong ones or made at the wrong time. It’s ok, because three things are certain; change is inevitable, nothing is permanent, and opportunities are everywhere. You just need to make sure you are ready for it.