How to do a self-intervention for anxiety and depression

Depression is a common and sometimes debilitating condition that can make the sufferer lose all motivation and desire to advance themselves. Through a self-intervention plan, you can change your perspective and fight your way out of your depression enough to get on top of things and give you the strength to seek help if you need it.

When we think of an intervention, I’m sure that most of us will recall some terrible hallmark drama where the hapless addict is ambushed by their family and friends and guilt-tripped into changing their ways.

The true definition is simply to intervene with a course of action or to take action to improve a state of being (such as a medical intervention). What I want to share here is what a self-intervention is and how useful they are in establishing, nurturing and maintaining a growth mindset.

I want you to see your mindscape as like a garden. A very large garden with lots of space that you want to fill up to make it more interesting. You might do some landscaping, might put in a fire pit and a pond and a shed and a trampoline and some tropical plants and slowly it becomes a pleasant and interesting place to hang out in. Then, for whatever reason, you decide you are just going to leave it for a while. Winter comes and you neglect to move your tropical plants inside so they die. You don’t weather protect your shed so it gets water damaged and is just used to store all your unwanted stuff that you can’t be bothered to throw away. The pond becomes stagnant, full of algae and duck weed, all the fish die and it’s just an eye sore. The trampoline and fire pit sit rusting and unused and are just a painful and expensive reminder of how you have lost all interest in enjoying being in your garden.

This is what it’s like when you neglect to tackle the issues that accumulate in your mind. That bill you’ve been putting off paying for the last 3 months, it’s not gone away now you have charges as well as lingering anxiety about it. That conversation about boundaries that you’ve been meaning to have with your intrusive parent, not happened when it should have and now their sniper-like insults riddle your psyche, causing you unnecessary aggravation. These things pile up…just like laundry, dirty dishes and gardening tasks. The more you ignore it, the worse it gets. The worry starts to manifest in your life and what was an allegory, may turn into your reality…in your home, in your relationships, at work…everything becomes affected. The only option here is to have a plan of action and get yourself out of this hole you have found yourself in.

So this point is essentially ground zero. You are panicked, anxious, depressed and unmotivated. The following plan can and should be used repeatedly in your mission to achieve a clear, positive and progressive mindset. I personally use this plan to get myself out of my episodes of depression. I’ve practiced it for so long that it’s become habit, so whenever I start to feel a little depressed, that’s usually a sign that something is wrong and I need to pay attention to the things that have taken up space in my mind that I haven’t dealt with, like the veritable sodden old mattress in my garden that I can’t find the time to take to the dump.

1. Address the problems

This is a no-brainer but if you don’t fix the problems first, none of the following steps are going to have any effect. First, you must write down everything that you have been putting off. Absolutely everything. From overdue bills to flossing your teeth. Don’t give yourself any room to think “oh, I can just sort that out later” write it all down. Now guess what? Do those things! Consider how you will work through them; personally I will complete the quickest and easiest tasks first that require the fewest steps. Usually these involve things like cleaning so that when I’m done, I can sit down with a coffee and plough through the rest of my list which usually involves me sitting at my laptop and calling a bunch of people. Working in a clean living space frees you from any distractions surrounding you and stops your eyes and mind from wandering over to unfinished tasks.

2. Remove distractions

When we neglect to tackle our tasks, often times our feelings about the situation linger for a period of time after we have completed the tasks. Sometimes simply getting something done and riding the wave of accomplishment it is not enough to change our mindset. Sometimes we will have an empty feeling inside and seek to find things that ‘fill up’ that void. It’s important to recognize this because it’s this kind of behavior that triggers a lackadaisical attitude towards your responsibilities. When I would get like this, I would binge watch Netflix or YouTube and consume vast amounts of food (seriously, I had a binge eating problem). So now, whenever I get that urge to be lazy and eat, I stop and I recognize that this feeling is going to cause me to go back to square one. I delete all social media apps off my phone, all games, I ‘lose’ my tv remote and I pick up a book or I go for a walk or to the gym. Don’t succumb to your distractions…do something that throws you into the present and into life.

3. Establish a routine

Routine is so important when things are feeling out of control. It gives you a sense of security and sends a message to your brain that says ‘it’s ok, even if everything else falls apart, your house is clean, you are still going to eat at this time, you’re still going to bed at this time and you’re going to wake up at this time’. Routines reduce anxiety and help to establish healthy habits. For me, I know that when everything feels chaotic, I just need to eat before 6pm, put my daughters to bed, do my chores, have a shower and go to bed before 10am. Then I will wake up at about 5am and be fully refreshed and mentally ready for that day. (An important thing to note is that if drinking is something you tend to lean towards when you are feeling bad, that is a habit that needs curbing because out of all bad habits, this is probably the most destructive. Alcohol is a depressant so if you are prone to bouts of depression and a lack of motivation, maybe consider staying away from alcohol. Try to make it a habit to only drink when you are feeling good).

4. Be hard on yourself

I know this sounds counterintuitive but this is not the same kind of being hard on yourself that you may be used to. Depression and anxiety can cause you to have very negative inner talk. Being hard on yourself when you are prone to these kinds of self-damaging thoughts sounds unusual but the kind of thoughts are going to be focused on pushing your towards a goal. When I’m going through it, I will adopt a sort of ‘bossy midwife’ inner dialogue that will say to me “nope, you’re not going to hit snooze on your alarm. You are getting up, you are going for a run and you are coming back to have a shower and a healthy breakfast. I know it’s hard but you have no time to sit around feeling sorry for yourself”. This helps me to shut off my feelings long enough to get stuff done.

5. Have a good morning routine

“Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise”. There is some truth to that. Rising early, forcing yourself to be a morning person has amazing benefits. People tend to be the most productive between the hours of 9 and 11am. Yet if you are able to wake up an hour before you are due to wake up in order to start getting ready for work, you will have an entire hour to yourself…potentially more depending on how early you are willing to wake up. I wake up every morning at 5am. I go to the kitchen, and I drink a pint of water. I then get ready and go for a half hour run, come back, have a shower, get dressed, do any chores that need doing and then sit at my desk and answer emails and work on my blog. I do this every day. By the time 7am rolls around, half an hour before my kids wake up, I’ve already had 2 hours of productivity and I’ve already worked out, showered and done my own admin. True, I am exhausted by 8pm but I’ve had such a strong start to my day that anything I have to face during my work day is so easy because I don’t have to worry about anything else. Also, ensuring you are getting to bed early and you are tired is going to make sure you sleep well and good sleep is so important if you are going through depression.

The purpose of a self-intervention is to catch yourself before you end up spiraling further and further into depression where you will end up doing, or rather not doing things that lead to making your situation worse. By following these steps, you can see the progression of getting yourself out of a rut and back on track. Continual growth is difficult; it’s anxiety inducing at times and can be very exhausting. But it is imperative to building a good life for yourself and those you love. Don’t get down about feeling down at times…it’s a good sign! Depression and anxiety should just be seen as signals that your mind is telling you to slow down and focus on fixing what you can fix and controlling what you can control. That is what the self-intervention allows you to do.

This plan teaches you adopt an emotionally resilient state. That is not easy for a lot of people, myself included in that. When your emotions are interfering with your ability to concentrate on a task, you need to figure out how to compartmentalize. This doesn’t mean shutting down your emotions completely, it just means that you are choosing to hold down your emotions for a period of time so that you can complete a task and then address them later. It takes practice, but through self-intervention is made so much easier. For more information on resiliency, check out Damon Zahariades’ book The Mental Toughness Handbook. I personally found this book so helpful in terms of regulating and understanding my emotions.

One final thought: if you are struggling with depression and intrusive thoughts, please seek help. Doing good things for yourself and being proactive is a good way to give you the confidence to know that you are very capable but ultimately, depression is an illness and you cannot ignore thoughts of suicide or self harm. If things are getting that bad, keep working on your self-intervention and seek help from a professional. Sometimes we need a little bit of help to keep us on track and as much as keeping a good routine and good habits can help, sometimes it's not enough. There are so many charities that can help, Mind is a mental wellbeing charity that is highly rated and they can help you to find the best support. You can contact them on 0300 123 3393 or email them at info@mind.org.uk.

Ending the 'should' excuse: keeping promises to yourself and being accountable

When I was 18, I watched La Amistad and one scene stood out to me, a scene which has been stuck in my mind ever since and I didn’t fully understand why until now. In the scene, Baldwin and Covey are having an exchange about how to translate what Baldwin wants to say into Mende. Baldwin says, “You mean there is no word in Mende for ‘should’?” and Covey responds, “No. You either do something or you don't do it”. This statement made a huge impression on me. It stuck in my memory for years and recently it got me thinking about how we use the word ‘should’ to excuse the fact that we didn’t act or deliver on what we said we were going to do.

It seems that people are a little too comfortable with being self-deprecating and almost boasting about their failures. Sometimes to the point where we come across as incompetent. I get that the idea is to come across as relatable and not appear big headed or boastful, but the other end of the scale is just as bad and even more damaging to your social standing. I remember saying "I should really quit smoking" as I was lighting up a cigarette, much to the amusement of those around me. Cue the eye rolling and shaking heads as if to say 'yeah, like I haven't heard that a million times.'

Statements like “I should have worked out today”, “I should have called”, “I should have told you the truth” are always followed with “but [insert asinine excuse here]”. The purpose is to give the impression that you intended to do something as a way of softening the fact that you let someone or yourself down.

No one likes the feeling of letting someone down. That feeling of guilt can eat away at you and makes you feel like a failure. Mostly people are understanding and can easily forgive our mistakes and forgetfulness. The problem is when promise breaking becomes a habit. You become that friend that no one can rely on and when you cancel last minute because "something came up", your groveling text is met with an eye roll and then in time, they stop asking. It gives people the impression that all you do is make a load of empty promises because you want to sound more responsible and competent than you are.

So, if you hate letting people down…why do you do it all the time? The reason is that you have gotten so used to breaking promises to yourself and not caring, that you do it automatically to others. How many times have you told yourself you are going to do something and then you just don’t do it? How many times have you promised that you were going to start your diet on Monday (because of course it can’t start on any other day of the week) and you start out well but then decide you’ve had a hard day at work and you deserve a curry and a few beers. Keeping the promises that you make to yourself counts for more than keeping promises to other people. Making a habit of letting yourself down only serves to condition you to consistently let others down.

Think about it; have you ever promised yourself that you were going to go and work out the next morning. However, that evening you decide to get a takeaway or go out for drinks and then wake up in the morning feeling lethargic. You lie there for a minute and think ‘well, I should go to the gym…but I’m feeling a bit rubbish so I’m going to go and have a fry up instead.’ Your food or alcohol induced hangover is a legitimate enough excuse to you to warrant completely giving up on the plan you made to work on yourself. And because you made the promise to yourself, you don’t feel that bad about breaking it. The promises you make to yourself should be taken more seriously than the promises you make to others. It makes you and others see the power that your words have.

Part of having a growth mindset means being accountable for when you mess up.

To make significant change, you need to be willing to do the things you don’t want to do and be accountable when you don’t do them. You need to accept that you will battle with yourself almost daily. You will be putting yourself in uncomfortable situations and confronting your insecurities frequently. Every instinct you have to protect yourself will be working overtime to try and make you give up or make excuses for yourself as to why you can’t and didn’t do what you promised.

Keeping promises to yourself shows that you do the things you set out to do. People respect those who deliver on their promises. Showing that you do the things you say you’re going to do, makes others trust you and take your word as authority. Being accountable shows integrity. Saying ‘I didn’t do it’ is a lot less insulting than a pitiful attempt at defending your mistake. It grounds you in reality so that you are fully aware of your mistake, and this motivates you to not do it again.

It’s common to let people down, sometimes it’s unavoidable. But by changing your language and removing the word ‘should’ for your vocabulary, it prevents you from carelessly letting people down. Saying “I didn’t do it” is hard because no one wants to admit that they neglected to do something. However, by keeping promises to yourself and others and being accountable for your mistakes, you can see clearly where you need to improve. Also, it’s incredibly liberating not having to come up with half-baked excuses as to why you didn’t do something and defending that with the notion that it’s ok because you intended to do it.

Don’t give yourself any recourse to escape. If you didn’t do it, you didn’t do it. End of story. Move on and determine to deliver on your promise next time.

Burnout: how to avoid it and how to get yourself out of it

What is burnout? Burnout is when we have been treading our path, being creative and doing something significant…then for some inexplicable reason, we become exhausted and lose all motivation to continue. There are many reasons why this occurs, and it is very common, especially when just starting out on a new path. I myself recently went through a period of burnout and it was very difficult to get myself out of it…I’m still feeling the effects of it. It can feel like all of your creative talent and all of your hopes and purpose has been drained from your mind and all you want to do is hide from the world, which is symptomatic of anxiety and depression – which I frequently struggle with. Some people lose the will to go to work or pursue a new career or take care of things at home due to feelings of tiredness and the futility of the task at hand. In those moments, it can seem impossible to get yourself out of it or that you will ever feel different. However, burnout is temporary and as frustrating and pointless as it may seem to have to go through, there is a very good reason for why it occurs.

Burnout is essentially when your mind becomes rigid and used to functioning on a base level so in turn, your progress plateaus. The laundry list of tasks start to pile up, the monotony of daily tasks sets in and consumes your headspace until you see no point or way of getting out of it.

The best way to avoid burnout is to change up your routine as frequently as possible. If your routine is to wake up first thing in the morning and get everything done, hitting burnout can mean you end up waking up later and getting much less done during the day.

If your normal routine is to work out before work, perhaps changing to working out after work for a while so you can focus on being better prepared for your day would be a good way to avoid that feeling of monotony.

Another way would be to split your tasks up. If you set yourself the task of cleaning the kitchen because you’ve allowed it to get into a state, then start with the dishes, go away from the task for a while and do something else, then come back to it and finish by cleaning the floor and surfaces. I do the same when I am stuck on something to write. I’ll often start by with a brief plan of what I want to write and then I’ll go and tackle a chore or go for a run and then come back to it with a fresh mindset. By changing up your routine even a little, you can avoid burnout and keep the motivation going.

But what to do when you are already burned out? What if you have completely lost the motivation to even attempt to take care of things, let alone try anything new?

Usually, burnout is a signal that something is not being attended to, most commonly your personal needs. If you are mounting a load of tasks on your plate and trying to pursue new avenues and possibilities but your basic needs are not being met, then maybe this is something to pay attention to.

With so much pressure mounting on top of you, you surround yourself with stressors and an instinctual reaction when we are surrounded by stress – which our brains perceive as threats – is to retreat. Burnout is essentially your brain putting itself into protection mode. You have no recourse or relief from the constant pressure of having to get something done and when you are completely burned out, this can extend into free time. You can’t relax, you can’t be present and you lose interest in things you had previously enjoyed.

So how do you get yourself out of this?

The first step is ultimately accepting your current state. Beating yourself up and victimizing yourself when you are on the floor is not going to help you in anyway. It can be terrifying and almost unthinkable to consider dropping your responsibilities and embracing your need to shut down but putting pressure on yourself to complete something when you have no recourse to navigate with full presence of mind, you are setting yourself up for an even bigger failure. So just taking time to shed that pressure by accepting your current state is a vital first step towards figuring out how to get yourself back on track.

Learn to say no. There are obviously some things in life we can’t say no to or put off. Children, paying rent, work…these are things that must be taken care of so if you find yourself in a position with responsibilities that you still need to pay attention to, learning to say no to other things that are not of vital significance is essential to remaining focused. It helps you to lessen the burden and gives you a clear sense of what you can control when everything seems so chaotic.

Ask for help. There is a terrible internalized stigma that people tend to not want to put their problems onto other people or even to let other people know that they are struggling. It can often feel like a reflection of our shortcomings and failures to have to ask for help and being vulnerable puts us in a position where we are risking our wellbeing by trusting someone else to be there for us. We fear being rejected and so to protect ourselves from that possibility, we refuse to ask. When you need help, there is always something or someone who can step up and take the reins in some capacity, even if that is to just be an emotional support. There is always someone, even if that is a complete stranger and it is important to recognize this and to be brave enough to surrender and share our vulnerability with others when we are burned out. This is because our defenses have been weakened from all the pressure and stress and we can’t effectively protect ourselves which results in things like bursting into tears at work or exploding at our partner and children. Our vulnerability will eventually come out and in a way that we can’t control which can have devastating consequences. By choosing to share our burdens and vulnerabilities, we take control over our feelings and worries. We dictate when and where our weaknesses can be exposed. Again, this can be scary, but there are so many sources of support that you can find that are trustworthy. Take advantage of this support when you need it and don’t be afraid of rejection, there is always some way that someone can help, and people want to help each other.

Focus on the present. Enjoy the process of shutting down and allowing yourself to rebuild. Don’t force the process. When you force it, you are putting that pressure back on yourself, extending the process of rebuilding and at worst keeping yourself locked in this burned-out state. The things you have been involved in, your passions, your responsibilities…they will all still be there. You may miss out on a few things but the way you have to see it is like trepanning for gold. The silt are all of the menial and mediocre tasks and involvements you have concerned yourself with. Stepping back is like sifting through all of that worthless junk and allowing the gold to accumulate at the bottom of your pan. The things that are valuable to you will stick around if you just trust the process.

Be more present and stop concerning yourself with what you have to do in the future. Yes, this is difficult to do but worrying takes you out of the moment and stifles your ability to function in the present which makes burnout seem unbearably long and arduous. Sometimes it can be tempting to seek some external input or involve yourself in something that promises a solution. Sometimes medication can help but it doesn’t work unless you are working with it and takes a long time to kick in so waiting for it to fix things can keep you in a state of perpetual worry. So relying on something external can be a hinderance because all you need to do is take a break and focus on what you can do in the present that is good for yourself and your situation. Eating right, getting enough sleep, being active, communicating and taking time to just be still and forget about inconsequential things can really help you gain some perspective and aid the process of rebuilding.

Understand that this is not a permanent state. This is simply a plateau. Don’t be discouraged by your current perspective – your thoughts are not facts. You can and will get yourself out of this and recognize that this is not a true reflection of your life. Recognize it for what it is. You are burned out, you are exhausted, you need support, and you need time to rebuild. By trusting the process and allowing yourself to recover, you give yourself the opportunity to fortify your walls, you regain control, you sift through all the unnecessary junk in your life, you give yourself the ability to be present and fully engaged in the important things in your life and you share your vulnerability which takes strength. Don’t allow your perspective in this moment to define yourself or your life. You, right now, are fine. You have access to help. You have good things in your life, and they will still be there even if you take a break.