Ending the 'should' excuse: keeping promises to yourself and being accountable

When I was 18, I watched La Amistad and one scene stood out to me, a scene which has been stuck in my mind ever since and I didn’t fully understand why until now. In the scene, Baldwin and Covey are having an exchange about how to translate what Baldwin wants to say into Mende. Baldwin says, “You mean there is no word in Mende for ‘should’?” and Covey responds, “No. You either do something or you don't do it”. This statement made a huge impression on me. It stuck in my memory for years and recently it got me thinking about how we use the word ‘should’ to excuse the fact that we didn’t act or deliver on what we said we were going to do.

It seems that people are a little too comfortable with being self-deprecating and almost boasting about their failures. Sometimes to the point where we come across as incompetent. I get that the idea is to come across as relatable and not appear big headed or boastful, but the other end of the scale is just as bad and even more damaging to your social standing. I remember saying "I should really quit smoking" as I was lighting up a cigarette, much to the amusement of those around me. Cue the eye rolling and shaking heads as if to say 'yeah, like I haven't heard that a million times.'

Statements like “I should have worked out today”, “I should have called”, “I should have told you the truth” are always followed with “but [insert asinine excuse here]”. The purpose is to give the impression that you intended to do something as a way of softening the fact that you let someone or yourself down.

No one likes the feeling of letting someone down. That feeling of guilt can eat away at you and makes you feel like a failure. Mostly people are understanding and can easily forgive our mistakes and forgetfulness. The problem is when promise breaking becomes a habit. You become that friend that no one can rely on and when you cancel last minute because "something came up", your groveling text is met with an eye roll and then in time, they stop asking. It gives people the impression that all you do is make a load of empty promises because you want to sound more responsible and competent than you are.

So, if you hate letting people down…why do you do it all the time? The reason is that you have gotten so used to breaking promises to yourself and not caring, that you do it automatically to others. How many times have you told yourself you are going to do something and then you just don’t do it? How many times have you promised that you were going to start your diet on Monday (because of course it can’t start on any other day of the week) and you start out well but then decide you’ve had a hard day at work and you deserve a curry and a few beers. Keeping the promises that you make to yourself counts for more than keeping promises to other people. Making a habit of letting yourself down only serves to condition you to consistently let others down.

Think about it; have you ever promised yourself that you were going to go and work out the next morning. However, that evening you decide to get a takeaway or go out for drinks and then wake up in the morning feeling lethargic. You lie there for a minute and think ‘well, I should go to the gym…but I’m feeling a bit rubbish so I’m going to go and have a fry up instead.’ Your food or alcohol induced hangover is a legitimate enough excuse to you to warrant completely giving up on the plan you made to work on yourself. And because you made the promise to yourself, you don’t feel that bad about breaking it. The promises you make to yourself should be taken more seriously than the promises you make to others. It makes you and others see the power that your words have.

Part of having a growth mindset means being accountable for when you mess up.

To make significant change, you need to be willing to do the things you don’t want to do and be accountable when you don’t do them. You need to accept that you will battle with yourself almost daily. You will be putting yourself in uncomfortable situations and confronting your insecurities frequently. Every instinct you have to protect yourself will be working overtime to try and make you give up or make excuses for yourself as to why you can’t and didn’t do what you promised.

Keeping promises to yourself shows that you do the things you set out to do. People respect those who deliver on their promises. Showing that you do the things you say you’re going to do, makes others trust you and take your word as authority. Being accountable shows integrity. Saying ‘I didn’t do it’ is a lot less insulting than a pitiful attempt at defending your mistake. It grounds you in reality so that you are fully aware of your mistake, and this motivates you to not do it again.

It’s common to let people down, sometimes it’s unavoidable. But by changing your language and removing the word ‘should’ for your vocabulary, it prevents you from carelessly letting people down. Saying “I didn’t do it” is hard because no one wants to admit that they neglected to do something. However, by keeping promises to yourself and others and being accountable for your mistakes, you can see clearly where you need to improve. Also, it’s incredibly liberating not having to come up with half-baked excuses as to why you didn’t do something and defending that with the notion that it’s ok because you intended to do it.

Don’t give yourself any recourse to escape. If you didn’t do it, you didn’t do it. End of story. Move on and determine to deliver on your promise next time.