An addicts mindset: why getting and staying sober is so hard

‘Addiction is a choice’. That was a phrase I’d heard thrown around many times…I’d even coined it myself a few times. It’s funny how you are so quick to pick apart others for their faults while you convince yourself that you might have issues, but at least you’re not THAT bad. That mentality only serves to fuel a Jeremy Kyle-esque sense of morality where we turn addicts into social pariahs who need to grovel and forever live in shame, which makes it harder for people stuck in that existence to find their way back. If you are being told you're a terrible person, how is that sending a message of hope that there is something for you when you're ready to fix things? Why would you even want to?

People who don’t understand the nature of addiction can’t understand how difficult it is to free yourself from that vice. As if the mental and physical need for it weren’t enough, the mindset it creates is a view of reality that is so distorted, you become convinced that things aren’t that bad and even that you’re on top of your game.

This is because addiction turns you into a liar. The lies you tell others are nothing compared to the lies you tell yourself. At least you can sound somewhat convincing to those who don't know you that well. It makes you lie to yourself about your situation. Two of the biggest lies I would tell myself was ‘I choose to get high, I don’t need to. It’s a lifestyle choice, not an addiction’ and ‘well I’m drinking wine and not chugging frosty jacks so I’m not really an alcoholic’. This would keep me in a mindset where I was constantly defending my actions; even when those actions included drinking 3 bottles of wine on my own, half laughing half crying as I binge watched some god-awful Netflix series until 3am.

The worst lie that addiction makes you believe is that without the substance you crave, you are nothing. You romanticize being in this state because you believe it is what makes you feel alive when it is the very thing that is taking you away from reality. You do it because the reality of your situation is too painful to bear. Overtime this causes you to lose sight of who you are. You lose interest in things that previously gave you joy. You numb yourself to things and your passion is replaced by this persona; a character you put on like a suit of armor to defend yourself and your reasoning for doing what you are doing. The longer you are living in your addiction, the longer you must wear the character. Until your friends, family, and even you don’t know who you are anymore.

The hardest thing to come to terms with in recovery, yet is essential to staying sober is…

You aren’t struggling with sobriety; you are struggling with yourself.

When you were drunk or high, you never had to deal with yourself for extended periods of time. You had the luxury of escaping for a while. You smothered that vulnerable, insecure, sensitive, emotional side with this fake personality that made you feel nothing but euphoria, anger and depression which would trigger you to use again, in turn burying your true self deeper and deeper. No one enjoys feeling insecure or vulnerable and being overly emotional comes from relying on substances to deal with your emotions rather than learning how to deal with them effectively. The hardest part of recovering from addiction is having to learn how to deal with yourself. Committing to sobriety means committing to having to sit with very dark thoughts and unwanted feelings. It’s the only way to learn how to manage them.

I still struggle with myself, and the simplest things can make it ten times harder. If I don’t get enough sleep, if I don’t work out every day, if I eat junk food, if I get reminded of a particularly shameful point in my life…it can make me feel like I am trapped in my own head and I feel anxious and tearful and I know that a drink will make those feelings go away.

It can be embarrassing to admit that as a grown up you struggle with regulating your emotions.

There is hope though. In time, you will get better and better at it until eventually, it won’t even be an issue. But it starts with having to accept how you are feeling. And I mean fully accepting it, not distracting yourself with food or mindless crap on Netflix. There are things you can do to make it easier to manage in moments like this. Positive things that counteract your negative feelings. Talking to a loved one can help. I find exercise is the most effective way for me, even just a walk. Yes, it can seem like a mammoth task when you are really going through it but if you tell yourself, ‘Staying here is not going to change anything and when I’m done, I’ll feel different’, that can give you just enough motivation to get dressed and get outside. Then when you get back, I promise you will feel different. Ok, so you probably aren’t going to be up for singing your heart out to ‘I feel good’ by James Brown, but you will feel like you have achieved something and that’s important. This could then motivate you to do something else. It also opens you up to other possibilities. You might bump into an old friend on your walk or see an advertisement for a weekly social walk. The universe gives you opportunities when you look for them…I experience it all the time. Putting yourself in new situations opens you up to new possibilities that could potentially change your life.

Trust that the process of accepting how you are feeling and pushing against your negative mindset by replacing your bad habits with good ones is what will teach you how to manage yourself and your emotions. It isn’t easy and can seem pointless to go for a run when all you want to do is eat junk food and watch crap because that’s better than wanting to drink yourself into oblivion. But confronting your emotions and doing something to counteract them is the only way to gain control over them. The more you do it, the better you’ll be at it and depending on what you are doing to counteract your negative thoughts, you’ll have gained in that area. If you work out, you’ll be fitter. If you connect with friends and family, your relationship with them will have strengthened.

Part of having a growth mindset means doing the things that are good for you even if those things are not directly linked to what you want to achieve. I don’t want to be an athlete, but I run nearly every day and I’m training to eventually run an ultra-marathon. Is that necessary for me to start my own business? Not at all. But the mindset that committing to training for an ultra-marathon puts you in is the same mindset that is needed to achieve your goals. The determination, the tunnel vision, the sheer will power to keep going against every obstacle and doubter.

Don’t feed your negative mindset by giving it more ammunition. Master your emotions by confronting them. They can’t hurt you. Trust the process, it works.

If you are need support with overcoming addiction or staying strong in recovery, you can find loads of information on free support and helplines on the NHS website. If you are in the US, you can find information on rehabilitation and support at recovery.org and drughelpline.org where you can talk to someone 24/7.

Also, you can contact me via email:

thesolutionwellbeing@gmail.com

and I will endeavor to respond within 2 days.

Taking the first step may be just one of many. It may be painful, exhausting and you may be very unsteady. But every step counts towards a better life and one day you'll realize you aren't walking towards it anymore...you're running.